omg i dnt know if i've just changed my mind...

so many guys so little...self-respect?

idk, i just dont get it...it doesn't seem healthy...

is something wrong?

or am i just fighting a lost cause?

i dnt know if i should bother tbh, it doesn't sound like something i'd like to be near...

whats changed? why? should i care? should i expect you to care?

i just feel protective for some reason because something just doesn't seem right, is there?


you tell me.

hi,

i dont hate you and i dont think i ever rlly did tbh.
there was a brief time when i didn't really like you cos u treated me like shit that day then i kept hearing about u doing all this stuff u always told me not to.
i think that actually passed quite quickly, it was the fact that everyone else who i tried to open up to about this thought you were a completely awsome gal.
this frustrated the hell out of me cos it made me feel like a hateful person and thats what screwed with my head for so long...i dont want to be a hateful person but i felt that way so it destroyed my self-esteem etc.
is only very recently that i have heard of what were probably minor squabbles and fall-outs that have made me feel better again bacause it helps me realise that i wasn't wrong n that it was ok for me to have disliked you for that short time because you are a normal person not this super-girl that everybody thinks is just so perfect.(dont take that as an insult :/)
so i have bn feelin the best i have in a long time since about a month ago and any awkwardness is purely because i've spent all this time trying to avoid you and now when i dnt care its just a bit wierd.
i wonder if you'll read this, i know you read the last one so who knows!

love me.
x

lololololololololololololololol lol lol lol!!!

it seems i was right all along!!

she is evil and apparently everyone thinks so !

this makes me happy cos i have people who agree with me but i feel a bit dissapointed that she has come to be like this........but when i say a bit i mean a tiny tiny bit like when *insert good analogy here*

i am pleased.

huff puff, grr, roar!
i hate saturdays!
they make me feel like such an utter fail!! XD
it was totally the right thing to do at the time but omg why? WHY!?!?

and i still feel a bit shit sometimes thinking bout pretty much everything in all the other entries i have ever made...but i think i've come to accept that as everyday suckage...its really just the underlying principle (ithink) not the people.

fail fail fail, such a shit weekend...the kind that makes you feel physically ill from all the mental anguish...or is that just me?

x

-Lets start off on a good note!!:

i enjoying my uni stuff but im kinda failing maths just now but i think things are getting easier, lets hope so anyways!
Also, there has been a female i've had my eye on but i rlly dnt know her at all and i have no idea how to make introductions as there are no fitting times to do so other than me going to the union at the same time by fluke which would make it the third time i've bn there but im goin on tuesday with my lovely mentally haired pal andy! plus if jamie (fyfe that is, he's in all our lectures) comes then this here lovely lady may come as she is a friend of jamie's woman, literally a friend of a friend of a friend...that sound so ridiculous lol...but lets keep high hopes and hope that for starters she isn't a complete freak!!

-on a slighty less cheery note as usual on livejournal:

GOD DAMN COLIN!
my god i think he may have just doen it to piss me off but either way it was rlly irritating.

he knows how i feels and yet he still brings her to the avenue...i spose it was only for like 10 minutes but strictly no eye contact, for chrssakes i barly even looked at her at all i probably couldn't tell you what she was wearing tbh...well that was yesterday and it kinda screwed me up so i wasn't too happy today...a)i dnt like it b)i dnt like it c)i dnt like it

a) the fact that there is a person in the world that my reaction to their presence is something not far off fear, panic, anxiety ect ect.

b) the fact that my feelings exist in a complete paradox, i want to but don't want to are the main two introductions to all the phrases included in my thought processes on the subject.

c) the fact that i know the exact problem that im experiencing, i dnt know how to solve it but i know what it is...but the anoyance here is that the problem itself stops me in the very process of aknowledging and removing the problem.

end. fin. thats it, this is the conclusion of somthing like 2 years worth of underlying misery.

at least i hope so cos the whole conclusion thing has happened a few times but we'll see...

i've been feeling like im missing something for a long time now...i've just been taking it week by week at uni and nothing interesting is happening...its all just uni->work->uni->work over and over and over...

i have discovered a song though, "how soon is now?" by The Smiths....its a kl song but some may see it as a little depressing but sometimes its how i feel...

this is the main thing:
-i think what it is just now is that my body is present and my mind is present but there's no soul...no emotion, the only thing i feel is a bizzare sense of foreboding-
...even though i have met people and im getting on with the folk on my course

also, last night i was lying in bed and i just felt so frustrated, i felt like i could have happily lept out of bed and destroyed everything in my room...it was a maxture of anger, self-loathing due to past acts, foreboding and the feeling that everything i will do will be pointless...i feel like i want to be rlly gd at something, have something i can show off about, something that is mine...

and im jealous, im jealous of all the people who go out and have a gd time when i allways feel like i just have to study even though i rlly dont and im jealous of all the people who have made new rlly close freinds in such a short time, im jealous of all the people who have found attractive members of the opposite sex and im jelous of all the people who find all the right people who dont make them feel like they have become the thing they hate the most

i want to forget everything that has ever happened to me but still retain the lessons learned from them...every time i get on a train or im on a bus i still look out for her, i dnt know why its not as if i still like her like that or anything but something is still holding me back, a dependance of sorts...nothing ever came of that letter, probably gd thing tbh...i rlly need to move on from her (its not even her its the fact that even though im completely past her i changed because of it and that mindset has now become what i call "her") and move on from me, the current me...i need to become the real me, because i've recently(understatement) just felt sad, not all the time but its just been underneath everything i've felt and done like a layer of water underneath a layer of oil, the two never mix but you can easily pass over the interface between the two...

(butmostofallifeellikeirllywanttogetinafightwhichiknowiswrongbutidontcare,ijustwantareasontopummelsomeoneidontliketomakemefeelbetter)

well i are home and there is uni soon...i miss chinaland!

that letter was a daft idea i think, nothing came of it but i just think it was a dumb thing to do! when i was away i came to conclude that i would be better off if i was just to avoid the whole situation and try and live my own life cos i think i have acheived so much that i should be proud of even though pride boosts the ego which is what you dont want apparantly...but thats only if your a shaolin monk...but im not buhdist, nor are current shaolin monks for that matter but thats not the point...

i've been half way around the world and i know for a fact that i can do it again...and that makes me very happy...however i have been pining for the academy...

i want to travel more, go to europe more but i really need to learn another language properly and it sucks cos i dont think i'll be able to do chinese at strathclyde but screw it i'll learn it myself!!!!!! =/

anyways like Pavlovs dog i must relise that the bell dose not mean food! (metaphorically speaking)

nighty night

I'm getting rather nervous now, rather scared to be honest...never been away for so long before. I feel bad that im leaving people cos they feel bad...but i encourage you all to look after each other if you see they are sad.

oh, and one thing that i haven't told anyone yet is that since i was leaving i sent a letter, a peace offering if you will. This letter contains all the info behind the hole OOA thing and was sent to the sun sek herself. i dont know if it got to her or not because there was no postcode on the envelope, just the address...but even if it did get to her i doubt she would bother to reply....but even so, fuck it, i was just tryin to be nice. i hope it didn't come across as a letterbomb or anything :/ ......

well this is a failure...mairi AND mairi cant come to our lovely rural cabin so which sucks muchly! i am actually quite annoyed at myself that i didn't make sure they knew for sure they could come before i ordered it tbh cos now the rest of them have to give me more money which is sort of unfair...

and there has been another self-esteem plummet due to prom and ater prom and me hearing of hypocrisy then being a hypocrite myself...i fucking hate myself for it! i just keep thinking im a shit person but at the same time i know i might not be which just makes me upset to know how fucked up my view of myself is, i dnt even understand it... i just know who caused it, i could have readily thrown up last night tbh...the thing i fear the most is makin someone feel the way she made me feel but whether i make a concious effort to do that or not i always feel like im doin it...even though it doesn't change the fact that i may be doing what i think i am the one glimmer of hope that im holding on to is the fact that i CARE how they feel.

well, what do y'know! im a free man now...was probably the best thing to do but its still a right shame tbh cos she was rlly lovely, just not right for the iain...

back to being my miserable old self!! lol kiddin on

but screw it, life is easier this way...just need to find someone who is more suited! its all part of the game!....the game of life O.o lol...(just lost the game)!.

roooight! i dnt think im rlly up for a relationship right now...its not rlly workin out very well anyways, the strange thing is that it doesn't upset me tbh i just think that i just want to be free to do what i want just now...not in a "im a male chauvanist pig who just wants one night stands" kinda way cos is not to do with females, its just that i want to just have fun with my friends n not have to worry bout keepin the girl happy or spendin time with her rather than my friends....it could be seen as a he-can't-be-arsed situation but in a strange way it kind of is cos i dnt think i want to be tied down just now....

omg what is up with my "just now" buisiness, its not as if anything of significnce is happeneing just now just dnt feel like it...

but hey, i haven't done anything yet so we will just have to wait n see...

its nice to know u luuuuurve us!! XD

lets get pariphanalia-ed lol, sit n sip whiskey n look like a couple of grumpy old so-n-sos...gives us a chance to bitch n moan about the world.!

*implodes*

man, i should not be feeling like this, its unhealthy cos i think know all the likely outcomes n they are all bad...just not the person i could be friends with, sure we could make up but that would be it, there would be no way in hell that i could allow anything more than mild aquaintances (sp?)...although it would be rlly kl if we did end up gd friends i know deep down that it would kill me stress-style...comflicting emotions i think is the word, it feels like there are two people in my head (metaphorically speaking) one being Iain-zen master-Andrews who just wants to be friends and all peaceful ect n the other being a strange lonely and desperate creature who cant let go of the past and the people he once loved...

*huff* all this is puttin me off the whole current situation and drawing attention from the current female, justy feel like i need to be alone so i can rlly think bout stuff...definately dnt want to lose this one though cos she seems so right, just that my situation is slightly fucked up as per usual...idk, just feels like my subconcious is like "OMG NOO! not another long term relationship, i remember what happened last time so fuck this!" its rather gay n i feel like if i tell people thats how i feel im worried they would be like "fuck sakes iain! get a grip n grow up!" but thats what im telling myself so i dnt need any more of it thank you very much...

"Pffffft! im so fed up with iain, he rlly needs to sort his life out" is what i'd say.

last days dnt feel like the last days...but screw it, that doesn't bother me tbh...

what does bother me is the proximety angst that just doesn't go away...i just feel so uncomfortable cos all that im reminded of is all my self-esteem and confidence being stripped from me n being treated like a completely insignificant peice of nothing..it was known how i felt n it was abused n now im sittin here at my computer like a complete fucking baby cos the past two or three years of my life have involved me feelin like a piece of the background who was apparently always wrong, didn't like the right music, was as gd at anything as that fucking prick so all that i got was "shut up iain!" or "what did u do that for?!"...n any public sign of attachment genarally came about cos there was alcohol...tbh i think the best thing for me would be to never see or hear of sun sek ever again but that sucks cos it means that there is someone out there who i didn't even rlly make an effort to be peaceful with...god dammit im gonna need a lot of fags in calander cos i dnt think its gonna be very pleasant tbh...
thanks for reading =/

slightly para that summit is gonna go wrong!

im para that i'll do summit to embarass myself but im sure i'll find out later

[IF]

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

omg kirkintilloch is a hell of a long way away!!! meeeep!

oh well, i think i should suggest a mearns adventure :D

huurah!

i hate distance!

i make it bout 18 miles methinks n it sucks!

n my tri was mentioned n it is all the way through her holiday :(

but i think we shall meet again tomoz n it shall be gd!

im still pleased :)

omg its bn like 2 hours since the last entry n i seem to have convinced myself that i shall be a big failure...

im scared that her outgoingness shall pull it apart cos she has her whole other life all the way over there n she'll find someone better/more confident/arrogant/whatever u girls find attractive n ride off into the sunset with him n live happily ever after, leaving me clutching onto what's left of my already depleting self esteem...

but the gd thing is that all this has caused my selfesteem/confidence to level off graph-style n if i got screwed about or dumped for mr.awsome, which is what i fear most, it would finish me off

trust me to see the down side

...

-im gobsmacked
-as if it wasn't coming iain u r-tard
-still pretty speechless
-why?
-because it happened and i saw it was good
-exactly! now revel in it!!

thats how it would sound if i were to have a conversation with myself...
it was just so nice



and guess what...



she's sane!
i hope/think